Saddly, I am still running...
12:11 a.m. - 2004-11-05
I feel a little lost at the moment. I'm having a hard time keeping strong and not letting my guard down. Right now, some part of me wants to kick, scream and cry in the privacy of my favorite spot. Other parts of me wants to beat the living shit out of someone. I have all this pain, angry and saddness looming over me that it's hard staying fouce with wanting to move on with my life. I know deep down within' me, I know I am a strong person, but with all this crap going in my life right now I am wanting to explode, disappear or just start over new somewhere else. Ok, so I am sounding like I am running from my problems. Well, I am not. I am running away from other people's problem, whom just hurt me and drag me down. Hell, I shouldn't let people do that to me, but sometimes it's hard to take, when you have a good heart and they walk all over it. It's really painful.
So, all that I can do right now is make myself an outcast. Just go to work and come home. Let all the pain and anger I have out on my own. Which usually contains, an 30 minutes crying session while in a hot spa bath. Then I calm down, relax to some classical music. Lastly, I either crawl into bed, read or play out on my keyboard, completely forgetting the days events. Must of all, not saying a damn word to anybody. Keeping people an arms length is my way of protecting myself. I've been thinking of going to gym and just letting out all my stress, pain, anger and depression out on a good run, stare-master..something. Hell, I'll get in complete shape out of it. It's a win-win. I think I just have to be alone. Get my emotions, thoughts and feelings on people straighten out and then go from there. I can't let this get to me anymore. I am better than this. To hell with people who hurt me.
I'll be fine, time heals all wounds. Unless, someone keeps digging up the pain of the past. Even though sometimes the past is the good way of learning from your mistakes. An believe me I have, in so many ways right now. An like an old friend said, those who are meant to be in your life will someday return. In some ways, it's true. Someone from my past shined a beam of hope that time does heal all wounds. Who knows, maybe I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life. Shit, I don't know anymore. I think I am so far lost that I don't know what's a real friendship is. Trusting anyone right now is hard and will be for a while.
I can only take so much. I'm surpirsed that haven't gone nuts and saw a shrink yet. Though I must be honest, I think I am hanging onto a tiny, thin little string that is flapping away in the wind. Shit, listen to me. I sound so sad, who do I have to turn to that I can trust with my problems. Correction, my sister will be here for a week at the end of the month. I can trust her. She'll be rooming with me so we'll have late night talks. She will tell what to do and what actions to take.
God, I need a strong drink.. anything to numb right now.
I am going to go read for a while and hope I fall asleep in the process so I don't have to think of todays events. I'll be back soon.
--Ally
(My guestbook is feeling lonely. Will someone drop by and say hi?)
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