A New Person..letting go....
6:40 p.m. - 2004-11-14
Ok let's pretend, for a moment, you understand everything I've gone through. That you have the feeling of no one hearing or believing that you are a different person. That you realized that what comes around, goes around. It's all about krama. Now in the past, I wasn't all that much of a good friend. So, you found a "friend" closer to home and wanting to proof to yourself and other people that you can be a real friend. A friend who is there thick thur thin, has compassion and understanding. Even a shoulder to cry on, even if its at 3 o'clock in the morning (which of all I have done). An so, you do that for a whole year, to the friend who is closer to home. Then that friend did the same thing to you, that you have done to people long time ago. I have to say, it hurts. Now I know how it feels to be a door mat and/or used. An being that I am used to being that good person. I managed to teach myself not to let them make me go back to my old ways. I just put my foot down and basically never let them get close to me, cause the trust is gone. An that is one of my problems, I keep taking people back even though I know that they will hurt me again. Now I am not saying that they can't change, but aslong as they are being that way, I want nothing to do with them.
Needless to say, things don't end there. Then you have a old friend who is stuck in the past and keep assuming you are the same old uncaring, unreplible friend. AN that hurts. She says, I don't know her anymore. Well, what makes her think she knows me anymore?! HM? I mean, what right does that to give her to judge me, when she doesn't want me to judge her. I will forever feel bad for the things I have done, said and did. An being that she is getting married next month, and wanting me to be there even though she doesn't trust me and thinks of me to be a shitty friend. Well, you know, I am not going to go to a wedding where I am not going to feel fully comfortable or feel welcomed. Fuck that. Besides, my sister is coming basically the same week she is getting married and I only get two days off from work and this the frist time I get to see my sister in a little over a YEAR! So, who should I chose? My sister or someone who doesn't believe in me? Family or old friends..hmmm. I chose family. An hell, even that got her to have her panties all in a bunch. So, this is what I have done. I canceled my two days off in the row with me sister, and didn't get the day off for her wedding. SO NOW NO ONE GETS ME!!
This whole thing breaks my heart. But I'm just at the point where being that great friend now. I no longer take crap. I will not stand by and be told I am shitty person. I refuse to let people who don't or no longer know me, get me down. I'm comfortable with my life right now and with or without friends right now, I'm doing just fine. Hell, I'll state for the record again, I WILL NO LONGER PROVE MYSELF TO ANYONE OR ANYBODY EVER AGAIN! I shouldn't really have too. I kept to myself now for a while and if I have to, to be happy. So be it. Enough is enough. We all claim to be adults, let's act like it. I'll hold the door open, and it's up to everyone else to walk through. Plus, that shows me who is my real friend and who isn't.
An please don't get me wrong people. I love my old friend like a sister. We/had 10 long years of friendship and we will always have something that no one will ever top. An I wish her all the love, happiness and adventure in her career, marriage and to the upcoming parenthood.An I don't hate her nor am I mad at her. But I will not stick around and be put down for the past. I am sorry. I'm over all that. It's time to let go, and if she completely thinks and feels that I will never change, then we don't need to be friends at all. Then it's over. Period.
Anyway...
To change the topic. I went to Orlando with my good friend Ryan to get the feel of what to get people for christmas. An to maybe buy ourselves something. So, we went to the mall in Orlando, had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, which I never been too. An which I like to note, has the best burger and cheesecake on the planet. Heh. Ryan bought himself some new cloths (which isn't something new) and I got myself some new slippers from Vicky Secerts and of course 5 underwear for $20. Overall, it was a nice day. As for work, things have been busy since Tina got fired. Working long hours and being that it's the holidays, it's even busier.
Also, next week a bunch of my close workers want to have a night out. You know a girls night out. It's to cheer me up for being screwed by Tina like I have. An to let me know that there is a such thing called true friends. Besides, I love them to death and they are a loads of fun. So, it will be a blast. Anywho, I am going to go shower, slip into my new slippers and watch tv. An who can't forget to eat my delicious cheesecake while watching The Music Awards tonight. Later!
--Ally
P.S. I don't want you all to forget to sign my No Iraq Draft and don't forget to sign it and to pass it on. Plus, my mother sent me this today. I taught it was funny. If you didn't vote and you are against Bush, here is YOUR way of telling the nation sorry for not helping him get out of office. Click here and don't forget to pass it on. To view what I mean, make sure to click on the gallery link. ENJOY!!
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