Starting Over
11:02 a.m. - 2005-06-14
Everything was going fine until Sunday night. My Sunday started with the a gumpy morning smile that I get every morning and I processed to have my coffee and breakfast. Then getting ready and waiting for Ryan to show up cause we had spa appointments. Him getting his hair done and hands, me getting my hands and feet done. Which later on in the day I got my hair trimed. Then we came home.
About three hours or so later, still in a good mood I went to check my e-mail. An then my world came apart and my feelings went completely down the crapper. I got a e-mail from my guy saying that, "I can't do this anymore." and that, "You didn't do anything wrong, it's me" and here is the kicker, "You are a good person and you can do much better than me." "I wish you all the best in life." "I'm really sorry."
You have to understand at this point, I was freaking out. I can swear to you my heart stopped at some point. I tried calling him, almost like an obessed crazy person, but he won't pick up the phone. I tried to keep e-mailing him and he'll only reply in small short answers. In his other e-mails, he just replies with, "I do love you, but it went from romantic to friendship." He is basically saying, I am no longer his type and I am not good enough to be his girlfriend. Oh the pain, of getting stabbed in the back and going striaght through to the heart is beyond words. I was scared, felt alone, crying and just flat out in shocked cause this came out of no where, cause on Saturday night, we were fine, so I thought. We even said, "I love you" to each other and hung up. An with what he is saying, tells me he felt this "friendship" feeling for atleast a week or two, maybe more. Which means, everything from then to now, was nothing but lies. He swears he wasn't lieing, and that his promises are no longer vaild. You have to understand, that we planned to live together by the end of the year, travel together, everything! An he rips that from me, cause he feels like he doesn't love me as a girlfriend. An he swears up and down that he feels this way and nothing can change that.
At this point, I was devastated. I was crying until 4 a.m. to where I had to call someone, and did. We spoke on the phone for about an hour, and they did their best to comfort me and telling me, that it sounds like he wasn't ready to settle down as far as we planned, and being that things were long distances. He felt like maybe it wouldn't work. I dunno, maybe they are right maybe they are not. He said, he'll call me sooner or later. An what hurts even more is, that he loves but he just wants to be friends. I mean, when you were madly in love with someone and still have feelings of love, how can you be friends without feelings blooming up again?! This is what I don't understand. Then again, you guys have to know him as well as I do, to know how he thinks and works. Then again, I am not so sure if I do anymore.
An yesterday, I was completely miserable. At work, being very tired from 3 hours of sleep and being really depressed. I had on setting of busting out in tears at work at anytime. My co-workers were concerned, asking what was wrong. I couldn't tell them anything, saying I wasn't ready to talk about this yet and that I have to work out my feelings, get more sleep, and hell eat again before I have the strength to talk about this. The pain of having to start over is so discouraging. Cause giving your heart, mind, body, soul and future to someone and have it all shit on, make you feel worthless. Makes you feel that your never good enough for even a guy that is suppose to be the good guy. I'm sad, angry and my trust for guys is completely dead right now. The only male I can trust is my dad. What is wrong with me?! Why does this always happen to me?? What do I do to deserve this?!
As of today, waking up after a good night sleep and thinking about everything. I'm working out my thoughts of anger and pain. I told myself that I will get over this and I will be ok. It's his lose, not mine. He made the mistake of leaving and even with all his strength of it having to be this way, he will one day regret it all. I know that sounds cocky. But if he really truly loved me, like real true love, he'll miss me, feel stupid about leaving, hell even maybe try to come back. It might not be soon or in 5 months from now, but he will feel stupid about leaving, specially when he looks at his new girlfriend and thinks, she is not Ally. She doesn't understand me as well as Ally did. I know what you all are thinking, that this is just my pain talking and that he doesn't feel that. An maybe your right or maybe I am. Afterall, he did tell me once that I was the one. Only time can tell.
I'm glad he won't call for a while. Gives me a chance to think and clear out some feelings and get all the tears out I can. Then from that phone call on, I have to take this one day at a time. The person I spoke with on the phone asked me, "What if he wants you back?" I said doubtlful, but if he did, I honestly don't know if would go back or not. I'm a strong woman. Granted, right now I am knocked down for a while, but I will get back up again. Just like time will heal my wounds and for the way he wants things to be. I'll be ok. It will hurt for a while and specially for the rest of week, cause not hearing his voice on the phone like I was costum too every night is going to be hard to get over too. But he'll make the frist move and call me when he ready, like he said. Until then, I have to grim and bare it. Keep my mind off things, try to go out. Something. Afterall, I am single now.
I'll be on haitus for about a week or so. If anything happens between now and then, I will let you all know.
--Ally
P.S. Thanks to everyone that's been there for me and who will be.
P.S.S He'll always be the love of my life.
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