Starting Over....Day One...
3:33 p.m. - 2005-06-21
((To catch up, read my perivous entry))
Starting over is the hardest thing to do. Especially, when you were promised everything in this world.Getting your hopes and dreams up so high, that you thought for sure you were never going to fall. An it always happen to good people, like myself. You get the "It's me, not you!" speech. An swearing up and down, he meant every single word, yet realized he didn't afterall. It's confusing and very painful. It makes you think, it was your fault for him to stop loving you. So, you think about what you did to lose him or trying to figure out what you did to turn him off. You do everything until you exhausted yourself to a point where you just wanna sleep to forget it all or cry until you get a bad headache. You sit and worry if he made a mistake so try to wait and see if he calls or e-mails you to come back. Then the two week mark comes up and you don't get that call or e-mail. Then you realize the love of your life, so you thought, is really gone. Now I am left to think, if that wasn't real love, then what is?! I guess I still don't know and I'm turning 24 this summer.
My co-workers, who are a lot older tell me, "Your young and you'll have all the time in the world to find the right guy!" "Maybe this is your time, to catch up with yourself and take care of you! An not worry about love so much." An you know what, they are right. Even if I don't what to hear what they have to say. An more I let that ring in my head, more it makes sense. So, now I am trying to get myself up and off the ground. I already hung out with co-workers alittle after work and even laugh and smiled. It's a start. An I am going to go out next Sunday hopefully with my friend Ryan and do what we always do best, shop and look good. heh. An what's even better, I haven't cried in almost 2 days and my sleep has gotten better as well. It's going to be a long process and it will take time, cause I am going to have my down moments and just want to curl up and cry. Miss him alot, but in time it will fade and things will fall into place, when it's meant to be. Yes, I want kids and yes, I want to settle down. But, I am going to take my time. It will happen, hell it has too.
I even took advise to find someone locally from a co-worker, from this website called, Webdate. Just to find more friends to hang out with and talk with and who knows, maybe my real soulmate will come around. An even though I really don't trust a guy when he says, I love you or anything like that, I know I will sooner or later. Right now, I'm just doing it to get my mind off things and get my life back on track. I'm not going to let him take my spirit, heart and soul away like that. He even claims I am a great person and with that, I am not letting him get any closer than he made HIMSLEF be. Afterall, it will always be his lose, not mine.
I've spoken to mom, about going car shopping. An her and I will, look at cars in the local area and just see what we can come up with. An if I get a car, I am going to spread my wings and I'm going to try to see the world for myself, alone. It's going to be hard and scary, but this whole situation opened my eyes to what I need to do to feel right. An not be depressed and crying all the time, while putting myself down. I can't be doing that, it lets him win. I don't know how I feel about him right now, cause I am seriously numb. He said, he will call, when he won't feel so uncomfortable about talking to me on the phone. An even said, he understands if I chose to never speak with him again, but really would like it if him and I can keep in touch and be friends in the future. I don't know if I can, but I'm willing to try and see how things go, if and when he calls me. Until then, I am on my own.
Don't get me wrong. I will always love him with everything I got within me. But I am no longer going to give him the love that I have inside. He doesn't want it and thinks I should give it to someone else. So, be it. He is a good guy, when his ego and pride doesn't get in the way. An I will always know him more than he wants people to know or for him to realize. Cause what was always missing in him, he found it in me. Atleast thats what I feel. Who knows, maybe he lied about that too. I don't wanna think about that, cause thats what I am going to keep with me always. An nothing can messed that up.
I'm not going to sit around and wait for that phone call. I am going to go out and enjoy life the best way I can, even in this crappy town. I will not let him keep me down. An like I said, I will have my down moments and be discouraged, but that is to be expected. I will be ok. I will find love and real happiness, and I will no longer be hurt. I can do this!
Look out world, here I come!!!
--Ally
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