Painfully moving on..
11:15 p.m. - 2005-07-05
Well, my fourth of July was pretty good. It really got my mind off things, until I saw everyone, even my parents holding each other when the fireworks went off. Only then I realized, I was alone. I tried so hard not to cry, but I still managed to squeeze out a few tears. I just stood there, with my hands in my pocket trying not to get myself to call him. I wanted to call him so damn bad. Just at the time, seeing the sky light up and not having someone to share that awe is hurtful.
An at that moment, I wanted to call him. But I knew, if I did, it would piss him off even more and I can't lose him anymore than I have. An it makes me wonder if he thinks about me anymore or misses me in anyway. Of course, I'll never know it either. Cause he will never tell me or tell someone else how he really feels. He isn't good with words or showing how he feelings, so I have to go with what he gives out and he hopes I pick up what he dishes out. An right now, I get nothing. God, it's painful.
It's like having a loved one, saying good-bye to you on the way out to work, saying I love you and kissing you. To only get a phone call later that day or the following day, saying he dead. Everything comes to a hault. An with knowing that person died, you can never again hear their voice, see their smile, or miss those little things that made you mad or giggle. It's realizing they are gone and it's hard to except. You run through your mind all the things that you wish you had done. What could have done to make things happier or showing him you loved him more often. I don't think he realizes that is what he doing. He making me feel like he wants me to think he is dead, and to move on. How? How can I do that? I can't, cause I know he is still alive and he wants nothing to do with me. It's torture. I miss him so bad.
Anyway....
So, to add on to my new life. My friend took me to a movie and lunch today. An was saw, "War of the World". Not a bad movie. A lot of action and heart racing adventure. An again, it got my mind off things. Then again, everything went back to a aching start. Why can't I find a guy that will treat me right? Who won't lie or break promises?! I keep hearing from guys that I am so beautiful, smart, sexy and fun..etc. Yet, they treat me like shit. Not fair! I am so sick of guys who want sex, talk of a storm and never back it up. To me they are just immature, unready for commitment and lairs! Hell, how can I trust the next guy who tells me the same crap as he did?! Better yet, how can I trust a guy who says, "I love you!" and know it's romance not friendship?! He really screwed me up! An all I get is, it's going to be this way, or nothing at all. What the hell?!
Ok...so I'm babbling and I can't say something that may not be true. But what am I left to think?! Then again, he waiting for me to be friends and said, I could take all the time I want. Anywho, I'll be around.
--Ally
Back - Forth
