I'm Tryin'!
9:08 p.m. - 2005-11-07
I have been trying so hard to keep myself from exploding. With all the things going through my mind and the worries I go through everyday, it's no wonder I drink myself into a mess (like I did last Saturday night). I have close friends tell me I need to worry about myself and not on others so much. Well, here is a news flash, I don't know what to do with myself, so what I need for myself I help others get. It's part of how my mind works. I feel it's my duty to help others. To care more than other people. Putting my life on hold to help others or be there for other people can be painful and very stressful and I shouldn't do it so much. But it's really a way for me to keep me from facing what I need to do with my own life. An I don't ask for anything in return either. It's a selfless act really. Lately, I feel my helping is making things worse for some people. An it's driving me insane. It's like sitting and waiting to die, and there is nothing you can do. You are so full of life and wanting to share it with someone, and you get shut out cause you can't help.
A woman like me can only do so much, but when it comes to making other people lives easier, I sleep better. An no matter how hard I try, I can't do it for myself. I just can't! If I have to help someone to a point where it kills me, I will. I dunno, maybe it takes a guy or a friend to save me for a change. Of course, trusting someone to help me with things in my life is hard. I been burned so many times, that trust is no longer something I can push for. Yet, I know, I will have to sooner or later cause I will one of these days have a serious melt down and will have no more spirit, heart, or love left to even get up in the morning. What is wrong with me?! Why am I letting myself go to shit?! Why am I running from myself so I can face life every morning when I wake up!?! Is it to much to ask, to have someone show me that much love and care?! Course, I am to shy and scared to ask for it. So, I face that cold world alone hoping I don't fall.
Life sucks. No one ever sticks around. They use me for my kindness and they walk all over me to walk out of my life, all while wiping the dirt off their shoes! I must have the biggest, "LET'S USE ALLY AND LIVE A BETTER LIFE!!" on my forehead. Maybe I should just save my money up and disappear for good and watch everyone else crumble while I live on. Right...like I have the heart to do that. I suck.
--Ally
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