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The Diary
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Haitus It's been days, and a lot as happened since my last entry. My world changed about 5 days ago or so with the breaking up of Matt and I. Reasons are what I can't explain nor do I think I wish too. Cause there is nothing I can do or say to numb his or my pain. Things were done and said that I think, is unforgivable. An even so, questions to answer are being asked and I can't answer them. Even if I was asked 2 months from now, I still don't think I can answer them. An to have other people involved, sticking their nose in MY BUSINESS is what pushing me away from the net and other things. It is really pointless to sit and explain to every person who is confused or ask why I did this or that. It's none of their damn fucking business. Unless you are close to me like Megan is or how Matt was, I am not explaining jack to anyone else. AN even though I still can't explain it to even them yet. Those are the ONLY ones getting anything out of me, when I am ready. I am so past letting people I don't know walk all over me to get the answers they wish and/or to defend their friend. I let people do that 98% of my life. It's a new year and I refuse to let it happen any further. I don't owe any reasons to anyone but the ones I think need to know. I can't stress that enough. What is shocking, is people like Bobby who I haven't spoken to literally in OVER a year still knows my business! That alone angers me. I left him alone all together. I don't think about his life or chooses, nothing and I would really like it if he done the same. I am so over the past and I wish he would stop keeping tabs on me and the other two. He is suppose to be married to some chick he left us for or something I don't know. Bobby, I keep my nose out of your business and life, have the respect and do the same fucking thing! Grow up. As for everyone else who is sticking their nose in this too, screw off too. I haven't even had the chance yet to cry or get angry over all this really. An to be honest, I am at peace with myself. I know this sounds cold and mean like I don't care for Matt, but it's true. An for the record, I still care for Matt that hasn't changed, probably won't either. Despite all the things Matt showed everyone, I still care. Hard to believe for a lot of people? Yes. But does it sound like I care about what they believe or think? NO! I know how I feel and AGAIN, I don't need to explain myself to anyone. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Granted, I do feel regretful for some things that were done and said and I do miss Matt sometimes, but I am going to be ok. I am not going to ask for forgiveness cause I know it would be really hard for him to give it and right now he will not give it to me cause I don't deserve it. I am truly ok with it all. I never felt so right before in my life. Out of all my break up with guys, this is the only one where I know things will be ok for him and I. Things already look up for me. I am hoping to move in with Megan and Kenny sometime in a few months. Which means I can still start over with my life. An I know who and what I want in my life now too. So, all in all... I am going to be just fine. An what is even better, my mom supports me. So, to give you an over all look at this entry, here is straight to the point: 1.) I DO NOT owe anyone answers or reasons to this break-up, unless you are someone I want to know. Don't like it? Calling me a coward, etc? Don't give a fuck. MY LIFE, MY BUSINESS. Get over it. 2.) I am going to be fine. I am intelligent women who is strong with dreams and a heart. An I am going to make them come true this year, no matter what. 3.) I AM regretful for things that were said and done. An I am sorry that Matt is hurt (so am I) and things had to happen this way. I can only hope that someday him and I can be atleast friends, if not, that is fine too. (I am sorry for hurting you Matthew) Ok well... there you have it. Now I think I am going to be on haitus for alittle while. Change and delete all my e-mails and OLD AOL screen names, lock this diary up or get a new one, which ever suits me. I'll be in contact with Megan a lot, so if you wanna keep tabs like Bobby is go to her, but I don't think you'll get much out of her, she is supporting me on this. Which is leading me to say thank you Kenny and Megan for being there for me. I owe you guys big time. *hugs* I'll see you all around.. bye. --Ally |