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My boyfriend. My friends. My music. Poetry. My family. Eating chocolate. Life. Cats. Computers. Thunderstorms. Being myself.Sex.
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Liars. Cheaters. Stupid people. Working for Wal-Mart. Posers. Brittney Spears. Hilary Duff.People who call themselves your "friends" when they are not.Traffic.
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The Diary
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Just to much Finding words to update this diary is getting harder. I could start this with saying, I really need to stop putting others before myself. It's really starting to harm me. Yet, I am having fears of being called selfish if I do that. An to bottle things up like I do, is really eating me at as well. I am turning myself into a walking time bomb again. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do this again. But sadly, everything is falling onto a huge ass plate that is placed infront of me and I am being forced to chew it all down is one day going to kill me. If I don't try to do something with the things/problems I am given, I'll be stuck in a rut with no way out. So I fork through the pale that is on my plate. An no matter how fast I try to go, I manage to screw things up on the way anyway. That's how my life is, things are going well, then something always have to sore things. I am not made for pressure. Hell, I am not made to be center of attention, but I get that even without trying. I hate feeling like crap, cause everything is making me so tired, stressed and depressed. I have so much on my plate that, I feel like I am going to explode. Let's see what Ally has on her plate..shall we?: 1.) Right now, I am working OT so I can get my ass out of here. Now will that be with Megan and Kenny. I have no fucking clue and most likely not now anyway. Plus, I am saving up for school and a new damn car. So, that is sucking up my life.. yea I say it is. 2.) Even though, I am not longer in one wedding, I still have one I am part of this month. The wedding is two weeks away and shit still has to be taken care of. Like my fitting, getting the food for the reception, help decorate the reception hall..ETC. An to top it all off, I am keeping Tina together before she does something really stupid, while helping to pay for things with money I really don't have. So, yea.. can we say the pressure is on? Um yea. 3.) To make things even more emotionaly rough, I have 3 guys who are hounding me for attention. I'll called them "R" "K" and "J". Now the only one I want anything to do with is "J". Only because he is the only one who is level headed, sweet and caring right now. As for "K" and "R", well.. "K" is a co-worker, so I am stuck with him, but he is backing off some and made it clear he wants to be atleast good friends. Ok, I can work with that. Now for "R", lets just say.. he has "our future" mapped out. Talk about creepy. What makes it worse, he is a close friend of my ex-Curtis. I only care for "J", cause he is willing to take things slow, just like I want it too. He is respecting my wishes, and I am thankful in more ways than one. Besides I am not ready for a relationship. Hell, where will I find the time for one, right? 4.) Then there is my good old family. Now the only person that understands how my mother can be is, Megan. She (my mom) is hounding me again and flat out making me so damn miserable. About what you all ask? what else.. SCHOOL. The one thing I can do is tell her I am working on it. She knows, I opened a savings account and busting my ass to save up for school and then some. Yet, knowing her.. she as to put more into it to make a bigger issue. can someone please shoot me? I am stressed, I am tired, I am sad, I am moody and right now you'll probably catch me being a full blown bitch if you were to walk up to me as of lately. I can only hope no one takes it personally if I snap their head off for nothing. With other issues building up inside, and to have all that is on my plate, I am going to be a bitch. Yet, I managed to still put others ahead of me and half way function. An people wonder why I am a strong person. HA! Only if they knew all the tears I shed behind closed doors, while no one is looking. I am really trying to keep strong and do one thing at a time. It's just way to much. What if I was in school right now? Lord things would have been even worse. Things will die down some after Tina's wedding. Only then I am going to look for a second job, cause I really want to get out of here. So I am having it really rough right now and no one gives a damn either. No one cares TO HELP me with things, or be my shoulder to cry on either. NOTHING. Of course, I can't really hold that against people either. Most of people don't even know I am feeling this way or think this way. What they see on the outside is different than what is on the inside, lots of pain. I go to work with a smile on, and come home to be alone in complete "SOLITUDE" and hide away in my room. All I know is, I need a vacation from everything and everyone...hell even from myself. It's late, I should get to sleep. I have yet ANOTHER long day tomorrow. Ugh.. I really need to stop staying up so late. --Ally |