What's Love?
11:53 p.m. - 2005-06-30
Yes, I am alive. Honest, I am.
The past week nothing really changed except I was told by my ex, to stop text messaging, leaving voice mails, etc or else. Not only did it hurt and pissed me off, it tells me he doesn't really care. After almost a damn year, he doesn't care. Hell,he never really did. An my co-workers are right, you never fall out of love with someone unless you never really were. An I guess, he never was. How can guys be like that?! How can they be so damn curel, heartless and such damn liars?! Specially to the ones that are a great catch like myself. I know it sounds cocky and self-centered, but really, he knew what he was getting into yet I wasn't enough. I dunno, right now, he hates me or is "disappointed" and wants nothing to do with me right now or nothing at all for the rest of our lives. I still stand by the fact that one day, he will realize he had something good, when he looks at the next girl he is dating and sees she is not me. His lose and not mine.
I'm honestly doing better. I haven't text him or left voice mails going on 5 days. I haven't even cried in 6 days. I'm telling myself it's not worth my time or tears to something that wasn't really real in the frist place. You know?! Well, I mean, to me it was something real, so I thought. Now to him, it wasn't. Cause in ANY situation, if you ever were in love with someone you just don't stop loving them unless you never loved them at all. An he of course will never admit that. He is still sticking with, "I really did love you, just it went from romantic to friendship, etc". Sorry I think that is a bunch of shit. He rather tell me he still loves me but be my friend and swearing up and down that he will never be with me again or be in love with me again. He is curel. Flat out cruel and I though I knew him, too. I guess everything that came out his mouth was a lie. Of course, he is not going to fight me on it cause he believes that if I knew him at all, I would know he wasn't lieing, etc etc etc.
I sound bitter, don't I?
Maybe I am. An I have all rights to be bitter and still alittle hurt, right? He made a fool out of me. I don't know how long it will be again, until I can get myself to talk to him again, or when/if he gets ahold of me if I can even trust anything that comes out of his mouth or anything else for that matter. I guess, time can only tell. ANywho, right now I am trying to figure out what to do with myself. I'm talking to my friends, getting my spirits back up and then some. It's alittle hard sometimes, specially when they're either are married or dating someone. Cause it's getting lonely for me. I would do ANYTHING to get some effection or attention for a good guy. Hell, maybe I just need a guy who doesn't mind being a rebound guy with no attachments. Ok, so I can't get myself to do that. But I am lonely. UGH!
I'll just have to take one day at a time. So, doing so, I am going to go to bed and get up early with mother and go to the gym then work. I'll be back sometime soon, to update. Night.
--Ally
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