Black Little Hole...
11:53 p.m. - 2005-09-09
I feel like my mind is slipping in to a hole that is a never ending pit. Where I can't crawl out even if I tried. An with everything going on in my head lately, I have to say I am beyond out of control, yet I am calm and relaxed. No words can discribe the confusion, anger and pain. Though, I know why I am feeling this way and with all that I put through I have rights to it. I can't blame the situation on it, cause I understand. Just it's so damn fusturating. I'm a walking time bomb, but the silent kind. I wanna scream so loud, the world can hear, but something always holds me back.
I hate this feeling. I feel lost without a damn flashlight and have to go back to me instinct, but my secent is thrown off by confusion and the ability to not fouce. Even in the dark, I wanna run but just run into dead ends. Why can't I have a working light?! Just something that would keep the home fires burning long enough to see that things can work. An to not let fears take over everything in our lifes. Who knows, maybe I know the answers to these questions, just not ready to come to terms with it.
Anyway...
Life right now is treating me unfair. Then again, life isn't fair, so I know I am not the only one feeling this way. With knowing that, I'm fustrated, I am left alone. What eats at me is, I can give out great advice that actually helps other people, yet I can't do it for myself. It's like an friend of mine said, "I always have answers for other peoples shit and never for my own!" so true my friend...so true. Ugh I hate feeling like this!! I feel like I am being torn between reality and fantasy. I need a drink...a really harsh, stiff drink. Just something to drown out the pain. Just for alittle while, so I can feel normal again. What ever that may be.
I'm alive, to a point. Just enough to function, then crawl back into my black hole of my room. Here I feel safe. I feel like no one can hurt or even wants to try. An I would just stick my trusty IPod in my ear and drown out everything that hurts. Even if I get interupted by the hell we call world. I need to find a safe place where no one can find me for awhile and maybe, just maybe I can get the confusion, pain and anger under control. Cause sooner or later, my world is going to spin out of control and I am left laying in the middle of the street, out cold and to never wake up again. God, help me!
Shit...I need a drink....
--Ally
Back - Forth